I need to begin by apologizing for being MIA lately. As you can tell by the new blog title quite a few things have changed since my last post. In May Kevin and I decided to dissolve our marriage, after 12 years. He moved out on June 2nd. I won't go into any details other than we both made mistakes. Our main focus is to make sure Kyler is taken care of and has the best of both of us. I am trying not to become angry or bitter as this unfolds so I will ask that if you leave a comment please only leave words of love and encouragement and leave out any negativity.
After several sessions with my therapist he has convinced me to journal my thoughts as I travel down this new path. So, I have decided to do that here. I won't bore you will all the details and it won't be all about me whining, I promise. This will just be a place to record the next chapter in my life.
This is truly the most difficult situation I have faced. Accompanied by a look of pity, people ask me why, I find myself asking how. How did I let this happen? How did I let it get so bad? How did I not see it? How do I fix it? The answer to all those questions is simply "I don't know." I don't know. Three words I can't get out of my head. I am consumed with I don't know. It has become my answer to almost every question that is asked of me lately. I never thought I would be in this state of disarray.
I feel as if I run a daily race through an emotional wasteland. It starts by waking up numb. Then I move onto sadness and hurt. Then my favorite, worry and anxiety start to creep over me. Then the medicine kicks in and they subside. At night, when it is quiet I feel lonely, like a piece of me is gone and I will never be the same person. People still expect you to be productive, do your job, do all the things you did before, it is very hard to be a productive person when your emotions are in daily turmoil. This is the worst part of the entire situation the battle that goes on in my head and heart every day. It is uncontrollable and it paralyzes me. How do I make it stop?
So now what? I don't know. I don't know what is going to happen next. I don't know how I'm going to do this everyday. I do know that I don't have a choice. I have to get up everyday and I have to try. It will be a long difficult walk and one I never wanted to take, but now that I'm on this journey I have to remember to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. Hopefully, I'll find some joy and happiness and maybe even my smile again along the way.
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