Recently I have had an opportunity to exercise my restraint of anger. Sadly, I feel I am losing the battle. The last few weeks I've been so filled with anger and hurt that I can't seem to think about anything else. So much that it is interfering with my dreams. Everyday this week and last when I wake up my jaw is in pain from clinching it all night. I dream of how I can get my revenge. This is not me or is it? Deep down am I really an angry, hurt, bitter divorced woman? The sad thing is that it's not Kevin that has made me so angry. It was "the boy," Jack.
"The Boy" who said all the right things, the one who did all the little things, the one who said he loved me, the one that said he wanted to share my life, and who would fight for me. In reality he was the one who lied, who cheated, who used me for the most of 2010, and who is now getting married.
We have been broke up less than a month! Seriously, how can this be happening? What is wrong with me? I feel so stupid. I put myself out there and got hurt again this time the only difference was that it didn't take Jack 13 years to do it. He manged to break me much sooner. Why do some people think they can treat others so badly? It's just bad manners. When I told Kyler that we had broken up, he asked why, I told him, his answer was so profound, "Well, that's what you get for dating a guy from Texas." That should have been the first red flag. Yet I fell for his promises; hook, line, and sinker. What an idiot I am?
Anyone who knows me knows that I don't read much, I don't have the patients for it. At about the same time as my life was falling apart a friend gave me The Shack that he had downloaded on CD. He told me to put them in the car and when I go home to listen to it. Recently, I made a trip home and I started listening to the soft voice that was filling my car. It was so intriguing that I found myself driving the long way just so I could have a little extra time to absorb the words being read to me, to my heart. There have been several lines that have touched me, but one that has stuck with me has been, "Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat." The problem is that I can't let go of his throat yet. I just want to keep hanging on to it, squeezing it ever so slightly. I can't help it. He deliberately and methodically hurt me.
I know that I shouldn't feel this way. I should just let it go. I shouldn't want someone like that. The truth is I don't want him. I'm just wondering who do you trust? Jack is supposedly a Christian, a man of God, a man who had scriptures tattooed on his arms, a man who would quote the bible in English, Hebrew, and Greek, a man who prayed with such closeness and tenderness that I would sometimes tear up, it was so touching. If you can't trust someone like him then, who?
I feel so unloved, a more true statement would be "I feel so unloveable." William P. Young (The Shack) wrote, "You [humans]... were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around... Living unloved is like clipping a bird's wing and removing its ability to fly... A bird is not defined by being grounded but by his ability to fly. Remember this, humans are defined not by their limitations, but by the intentions I [God] have for them; not by what they seem to be, but by everything it means to be created in my image. Love is NOT the limitation; love is the flying. I AM love. " When will I fly again? I'm tired of falling out of the nest.
